Sending a little love to you, from me.

Hello people of the internet!

So maybe you are reading this blog post because you are a faithful follower (if that's you congrats and thank you so much, I really do appreciate it) or it popped up on your FaceBook news feed. Either way, that's awesome. On the other hand you might have stumbled upon this blog post because of a hash tag or little envelope you have found rencently. It that's you, then welcome.

Let me take a moment to introduce myself. My name is Jenny. I am your average college student from Illinois. I dream of adventures, making a difference in the world and just being a light to other people. I get the energy to fuel my fire by being around other people. I love dancing (when no one's watching) and singing my heart out while driving my daily commute.

I have recently started a campaign (or just little project I guess) that aims to put more love in this world. That is where the nice little envelope or hash tag comes in. This past summer I was a counselor at a camp for kids with disabilities. It was an amazing experience and taught me how important it is to love on those people that are around you. During our rest hours and breaks I started writing secret love letters to strangers. I don't really know what motivated me to do it other than I hope to spread love to strangers that maybe could use some.

It started out with one letter and now has grown to a tiny pile of letters. I decided to use the hash tag #‎loveletters2youfromme‬ on each of my cards with the hopes that people might be able to share their story. Each letter is different and comes directly from my heart. Sounds cheesy, I know, but it's genuinely true. I just wrote what came to my mind knowing that it would hopefully impact someone else's life in some way. Before I hide the letters in random places, I always pray over the letter and for the person that will receive it. I may not know the person that will pick up that letter or the things they are going through. One thing I do know is that as humans we desire to feel love and give love. That is the goal of this project. I want you (whether you are a stranger or not) to feel loved and then spread that love to others.  

So if you are reading this today and found one of my crazy love letters during your daily routine, I would love to hear about it. You can comment on here telling me about how you found it, if impacted you or your story. Feel free to spread the love by writing some love letters of your own or sharing this blog post. I am curious to see how much love we can spread to others. 

Well that's all folks. Keep being your awesome and amazing self. Don't ever change who you are, because you are enough. Love yourself and everyone around you. 

Self(ie) Discovery

It seems recently that my generation is into taking selfies for dayssssss. I am definitely one of these people (and I'm not even mad about it...). Some may think it's vain or unnecessary, but I have found that it has lead me to discovering the self love that has been missing in my life.

I am someone that has been overweight for most of my life. It's not an awful thing, but it isn't necessarily great either. If I am being honest with myself (and those around me), I have struggled with self love and having the confidence in myself. Tears have been shed and the thoughts have consumed me. This might be a surprise to some and you might be thinking, "Oh but you're always so happy all the time and seem to love the life you lead." Both of those statements are 100% true. I love the life that God has blessed me with and have found over time that happiness and joy is the thing that will take me to the places in life that I need to get to.

What I can tell you however is that I haven't always been happy in the skin that I am in. There have been countless times that I have stood in front of the mirror and belittled the body I am in and have let those negative thoughts consume me. Now I'm sure I'm not the only one that has done this, but in these dark and negative moments it has sure felt that I was alone and the only one. There is a comment that was said to me by a teacher when I was in high school, that has stuck in the back of head for a very long time. "When I look at you I see disappointment." Those eight words have been written in permanent ink in my being as a person. They haunt me in my times of doubt and have hindered the potential of loving myself in the past.

                        

I could very well let this dark cloud loom over my head and have it impact the way I lead my life, but I have chosen otherwise. I won't let that define who I am. While I'm not pretty and skinny, I'm finding that those two adjectives are not the definition of true inner beauty. I don't let 8 negative words in a hurtful phrase guide the way that I lead my life, instead I live to prove to that teacher that I AM someone and I have potential instead of being a disappointment. It is through great role models, people who encourage me and the maturity that time will bring that I have realized the great value that my inner beauty has in shaping me as a person.


I am no longer the chubby girl who has an outward confidence about her, but still struggles with the inner debates and doubts about her self worth. I am a girl who lets her inner beauty shine for the world to see and is learning to navigate the concept of loving yourself. I am no longer the girl who just likes boys from afar because of the fear that no one would ever love her the way she deserved to be loved. I am now the girl who is letting her walls down and letting people into her life to love her in a way she has never been loved before. I know that a boy will come along and totally rock my world in the way that he cares for me and accepts me for who I am as a whole.


                                       



In this whole process of self acceptance and loving myself I have found that selfies and photos of myself have made a great impact on how I see myself within the world. It is these snapshots in time that have captured the light that gleams in my eyes, the fun loving spirit that is contained in my soul and the desire to love myself just as much as I love those around me. I am not at the end of my self love journey. In fact, this is just the beginning. I am excited to see how this proclamation of self acceptance changes my life and where it takes me.

       

My lighthouse of hope.

I was wandering through a thrift shop last weekend and came across an item that sparked something inside of me. What I found was a little sculpture of a lighthouse. Seems pretty simple, I know, but there is way more meaning than what can be found on the surface level.

It was a while ago that I became fascinated with lighthouses. I can't put my finger on what exactly started it, but all I do know is that they are a beautiful symbol of hope. The definition of a lighthouse is 'a tower or other structure containing a beacon of light to warn or guide ships at sea.' Just think about it, the whole purpose of a lighthouse is to be a hope for people that are out in the sea or the unknown. The light that shines could be a 'oh finally, we've reached land' kind of light or it could be 'oh there's the land, but I want to go out on another adventure' kind of light. Whichever you choose it serves a purpose of giving you hope.

While I am not a sailor, or ever really intend to be one (well, maybe it could be a career aspiration if all else fails..) I can still use a lighthouse in my life to give me the hope and guidance I need. There are times in my life where I need to be able to see where the land is while I'm struggling in a troubled sea of doubts and fears. On the other hand, there are also times where I am sailing through life and see the lighthouse on land but say, 'I can last for a little longer' or 'I'm up for the challenge, let's go!' Either way, there is a light shining in front of me that guides me and gives me the hope to continue on my journey.

Now I have never seen a lighthouse in real life, but I hope to fulfill that dream someday soon. I look forward to the day that I can see the symbol of hope standing right in front of me and the opportunity to take in all the beauty that surrounds that moment.

"I won't fear what tomorrow brings.

With each morning I'll rise and sing,

my God's love will lead me through.

You are the peace in my troubled sea"

- Rend Collective 

It's all about the small things folks...

Earlier this evening I found myself sitting on this pier that overlooked a beautiful lake. I have driven past this park many times, but today was the first time that I turned into the parking lot and took the time to explore this cute little area. To my delight I found a pier that stuck out in the middle of a calm and serene lake. I came just as the sun was starting to set, so I was able to experience the masterpiece that was being painted in the sky. All I could do is sit in silence and in awe of the beauty that surrounded me. 

As my feet dangled off this pier it gave me time to reflect upon the little and big things that make up my life currently. I have found recently that the big things have been consuming and cluttering life up. It's big things like getting good grades in all areas of my classes during a really hard semester. Being held to very high expectations and being discouraged when things don't always work out. Graduation, which is right around the corner. The events and future that comes after graduation. The doubt and fear that often consumes me. Relationships and the fear of not being loved by someone else (aka being forever alone...). Becoming a real adult soon with responsibilities, bills and more. 

I also took time to think about the little wonderful things in my life lately. Remembering that each day is a new and fresh start. The smile that is on my face the minute my feet hit the floor in the morning because I know that I get to work with some amazing students and make an impact in their life. Using my awkward voice to help change the world's problems (or just to make math class a little bit more fun...). Rekindled friendships that might have the potential for something more. Individuals who show me Christ's unconditional love even though they barely know me. Learning to love myself a little bit each day for who I am at this present moment. Amazing friends who encourage me and push me to be the best I can be. Dance parties in front of the mirror in the morning, while trying to choose something to wear. 

I have decided that I will declare that the big things in life won't consume me anymore. It's the smaller things that I can handle (and are frankly way more interesting). I will be able to conquer the big things in life by pursuing and accepting the small things. Everything will fall into place with time. I'm learning to love the life I lead and realize that it's truly all about the small things. I'm ready for this amazing ride called life, are you? 

Teaching the white girl to dance.

My freshman year I took a big leap out of my comfort zone and joined the Interdenominational Youth Choir, a predominately African American gospel choir on my campus. When I joined three years ago I had no idea that it would change my life and shape me into a confident young woman. This blog post serves as an ode to my IYC fam and a shout out for the amazing times.

The four amigos from freshman year. 

The story starts out with me as a freshman (awkward and shy that's for sure) in college. My university has something called "Festival ISU" where all the student and community organizations come out on the quad to give out information and try to recruit people to be in their group. I walked around the quad with my friend Julie. We spent the afternoon checking out all the cool organizations that the university has to offer and collecting a crap ton of free stuff (Julie was especially excited for the free cups, haha). During high school I was always involved in my church's choir and I loved every minute of it! We would spend our spring breaks touring across the USA singing at various churches. That choir was where I made some of my closest friends from high school. So going into college I wanted to see if I could join a choir of some sort to keep up the singing.

Smiles all around at a concert freshman year. 

I remember walking up to the IYC booth because I saw two things that interested me; music notes and Jesus. I thought to myself, "Wow! Two of my favorite things located in one booth! Can life get any better than this?" The people that were at the booth asked me if I liked to sing and became very excited when I responded that I did. They proceeded to give me information about how to become a member and when rehearsals were and such. I took the information and then continued on my way. That night when I got home, Julie and I looked through the handful of flyers that we had collected throughout the day.

Exec board being our goofy selves. 

When I came to the IYC flyer I googled them to see if I could get more information. When the website came up I read that this choir was one of the first predominately black organizations that is on ISU's campus. My first immediate thought was, "Well, I'm not black. I'm definitely as white as can be. So I obviously can't join this choir." And that was that. I didn't go to that rehearsal the first week because I was afraid to step outside of my comfort zone. Weeks went by and I went about my life, occasionally thinking about the choir, but mostly focusing on school work and such. About a month later I was sitting in my math class when this girl came and sat down next to me. She was wearing one of IYC's track jackets so I could easily tell that she was a member of the choir. Curiosity got the best of me and I approached her and asked her about her jacket and pretended to play dumb as she explained all about the choir (I had already known most of the information because a few weeks previously I had done some more research).

The exec board and our clinician Judith McAllister at our Workshop.  

The next thing I know I am going to my first IYC choir rehearsal. I went into the room where it was being held only knowing one person (and I barley knew her because we just met that morning) and I walked out at the end of the night with a whole new family. The minute I walked into the room the president of the choir (who is my big brother and best friend now) marched right up to me and said "Welcome home suga foot" while embracing me in a huge hug. I sat in awe during the warm ups and review of the songs. The music and harmonies between the sections was outstanding. I was instantly hooked. It was not a coincidence that I had ran into that girl in my math class who then sparked the interest again to get involved in the choir.

Eating lunch with our sister choir
 from Northern Illinois University. 

Joseph and I. Can't catch us not smiling.

I was welcomed with open arms that first rehearsal and that truly changed my life. Being a member of this amazing choir has opened my eyes to so many great things and broadened my horizons. Growing up I came from a mainly white town and didn't experience much diversity. I had interacted with people that were different than me, but it wasn't a regular part of my life. This was the first time that I have ever experienced being the minority of a group (and that truly doesn't happen very often being a white, middle class, female). Was it awkward being the minority sometimes? Sure. I would receive some stares as I would enter various events that we were singing at. Were the stares meant to be hurtful? Probably not, I would imagine the were more sparked by curiosity than anything else. Most of all I learned how to be compassionate towards others that are different than me and this is a very good lesson to learn. The thing that is most beautiful in all of this is that I may have a different skin color than my friends in choir, but we are still a part of Christ's HUGE family. That bond is so much stronger than anything else in the world. All the differences between our lives are wiped away because we have this common thread of brother and sisterhood.

Praise and worship pose. And go. 

The past three years of my time in choir have been absolutely fabulous and I wouldn't change it for the world. My choir family has been there to encourage me through the bad times and celebrate with me during the good times. We have shared many smiles, laughs, tears, late nights and adventures. I have enjoyed building relationships with everyone I've met and experiencing all that I can throughout my time in choir. I also had the pleasure of serving on the Executive Board for two years as the Vice President. During my time as VP, I got to help plan and lead some cool programs as well as put on a very successful Workshop weekend for visiting college choirs. I took for granted all the amazing opportunities and wonderful people I met as a result of being a member of this choir. I will miss this experience as I graduate college and start up my new life. These memories and people will forever be etched into my heart and always on my mind. I am so blessed to have this choir in my life and my life has been forever changed.

My big brother, role model and best friend. So thankful he's in my life. 

My mom would always joke with me throughout my time in choir that 'They were teaching the white girl to dance.' I attribute my grove and natural swag from being a part of a gospel choir. I am positive that my ability to harmonize with the radio in the car is a direct result from the endless hours of rehearsal and being a member of the Alto section. Not only did IYC teach this white girl how to dance, but they also taught her how to open up her heart and let others walk in. They taught her how love others unconditionally and the true meaning of family. They helped her build a stronger relationship with Christ. They helped her find herself in a world that can often times be overwhelming.


Quick Little Funny Story to Share:
We had a concert in the spring of my Junior year and at the end of the concert some of my choir friends came up to me and said "Oh Jenny it's so cool that your parents came to the concert!" I gave them a puzzled look because my parents were not at the concert due to having a schedule conflict. I told them this and they shook their heads and pointed to the only white couple sitting in the audience and said, "No, that's them, isn't it?" All I could do was laugh and reply "Nope that's not them. Just because they are white doesn't mean you can assume they are related to me." It made me giggle but then stop to think about how many times this might happen with the roles reversed.

My big brother Javin and amazing advisor Donald. 

Writing my story...

I am a senior in college. In less than a year I will be entering the real world as a college grad. Sometimes this still catches me off guard. Graduating from college is such a big accomplish and will be such a pivotal moment in my life. It seems like the ever present question that people have been asking me lately has been, "So... What are your plans for after college?"

Honestly, this question frustrates me and makes me anxious because I don't know what exactly I will be doing after college. I don't have a perfect road map laid out for me with dates and things for me to accomplish. Instead I have a good idea of what I would like to do and a lot faith in the Lord that he will lead me to do His will. I can see myself doing many great things and sometimes it's hard to narrow it down into a maintainable and reachable vision. I will be graduating with a degree in Special Education so I can definitely see myself doing something with that. My heart is also pulling me to do international missions to help empower women and girls through education. There are so many options and opportunities that lie in front of me that it is hard to know exactly which path I should go down and pursue. How do I know I made the right choice? What if I was meant to do something completely different and I missed that opportunity? 


When the uncertainty and pressure of the future weighs heavy on me all I can do is trust that in time I will know what I am supposed to do. There's a song that has spoken to me recently. It says the following:

"I'm an empty page

I'm an open book

Write Your story on my heart

Come on and make Your mark

Author of my hope

Maker of the stars

Let me be Your work of art

Won't You write Your story on my heart"

- Francesca Battistelli 

I couldn't agree more with these lyrics. At this point in my life (and always) I will be an empty page of an open book, just waiting for me to leave my mark on the world. As much as I worry about what the future holds for me, I have no doubt that it will be really freaking awesome. I am going to make several mistakes, but will most definitely learn from them to make me a stronger person in the long run. My life will have its ups, downs, twists and turns for sure. This is just the beginning of me writing my story... I don't have to have all the answers to the questions that roam around in my head. I just have to be open to living life and whatever comes my way. Let the next chapter of my life begin with no regrets. 

What I Miss

I recently moved to a new town for one of my teaching placements and I can count the amount of people that I know on one hand. I am in my senior year of college, but am not living on campus with the rest of my friends. While the majority of my friends and peers will be experiencing their last year of school with each other, I have entered the real world early and am learning how to start my career. This semester will be a season of firsts and new experiences, and I am quite ready for the challenge. While I am embracing the change up ahead, I can't help but to look back at what I'll miss.

What I miss...

• Sunday night grocery store adventures with my best friend
• The college atmosphere and how friendly everyone is
• Turtle dancing on the couch with my roommates
• Midnight milkshake runs
• Football games (but not actually for the football, I mainly only go for the marching band #bandnerdforlife) 
• Jesus talks with close friends
• Movie nights
• The beautiful quad in the fall 
• Narrating my roommate's life in song (and them telling me that I annoy them, but the fact that they secretly enjoy it)
• Singing in the gospel choir and all the crazy shenanigans we get into
• Being a part of the MASAI mentor program and seeing the success my mentees have had in college
• Wednesday afternoon cuddles in a huge bed
• Scheduled days of fun with my roommates
• The Sweet Corn Festival in Uptown Normal (because I freaking love corn on the cob)
• Being a part of Students Today Leaders Forever and going on the Pay It Forward Tour
• Going on cool service trips with really neat people
• Touching windmills out in the country

Now I could easily dwell upon all the things that will be different about this year and the things that I will miss while living in this new place. I have made up my mind though however to make a list of the things I am looking forward to and excited for.

What I'm excited for...

• Making this new apartment my home for the next 6 months
• Inspiring my students to learn and have fun while doing it
• Going to bed before 10 o'clock. Eh, a girl can dream, can't she? 
• Getting to know my new lovely roommate
• Joining a new church family
• Having time to read books for fun, maybe...
• Exploring this new town I am in and going on adventures
• Working really hard this semester and seeing it all pay off
• Learning a ton from my cooperating teacher
• Making new friends and keeping up with old ones
• The quietness that is there when you live in a residential apartment rather than an apartment complex filled with college kids
• Having a small, but functional kitchen to cook and bake in
• A walk in closet that holds all my teaching clothes (and the fact that the number of teaching clothes outnumbers the amount of regular clothes #teacherproblems)
• Getting to know my neighbors and hearing their life story

There are so many things for me to look forward to during this semester. While I will miss my friends and activities that go on at school, I am ready for this new adventure. Let's see where life takes me this semester. Readyyyyyyy. Set. Gooooooo! 

I will choose to enjoy the journey that God has set before me.