Self(ie) Discovery

It seems recently that my generation is into taking selfies for dayssssss. I am definitely one of these people (and I'm not even mad about it...). Some may think it's vain or unnecessary, but I have found that it has lead me to discovering the self love that has been missing in my life.

I am someone that has been overweight for most of my life. It's not an awful thing, but it isn't necessarily great either. If I am being honest with myself (and those around me), I have struggled with self love and having the confidence in myself. Tears have been shed and the thoughts have consumed me. This might be a surprise to some and you might be thinking, "Oh but you're always so happy all the time and seem to love the life you lead." Both of those statements are 100% true. I love the life that God has blessed me with and have found over time that happiness and joy is the thing that will take me to the places in life that I need to get to.

What I can tell you however is that I haven't always been happy in the skin that I am in. There have been countless times that I have stood in front of the mirror and belittled the body I am in and have let those negative thoughts consume me. Now I'm sure I'm not the only one that has done this, but in these dark and negative moments it has sure felt that I was alone and the only one. There is a comment that was said to me by a teacher when I was in high school, that has stuck in the back of head for a very long time. "When I look at you I see disappointment." Those eight words have been written in permanent ink in my being as a person. They haunt me in my times of doubt and have hindered the potential of loving myself in the past.

                        

I could very well let this dark cloud loom over my head and have it impact the way I lead my life, but I have chosen otherwise. I won't let that define who I am. While I'm not pretty and skinny, I'm finding that those two adjectives are not the definition of true inner beauty. I don't let 8 negative words in a hurtful phrase guide the way that I lead my life, instead I live to prove to that teacher that I AM someone and I have potential instead of being a disappointment. It is through great role models, people who encourage me and the maturity that time will bring that I have realized the great value that my inner beauty has in shaping me as a person.


I am no longer the chubby girl who has an outward confidence about her, but still struggles with the inner debates and doubts about her self worth. I am a girl who lets her inner beauty shine for the world to see and is learning to navigate the concept of loving yourself. I am no longer the girl who just likes boys from afar because of the fear that no one would ever love her the way she deserved to be loved. I am now the girl who is letting her walls down and letting people into her life to love her in a way she has never been loved before. I know that a boy will come along and totally rock my world in the way that he cares for me and accepts me for who I am as a whole.


                                       



In this whole process of self acceptance and loving myself I have found that selfies and photos of myself have made a great impact on how I see myself within the world. It is these snapshots in time that have captured the light that gleams in my eyes, the fun loving spirit that is contained in my soul and the desire to love myself just as much as I love those around me. I am not at the end of my self love journey. In fact, this is just the beginning. I am excited to see how this proclamation of self acceptance changes my life and where it takes me.

       

My lighthouse of hope.

I was wandering through a thrift shop last weekend and came across an item that sparked something inside of me. What I found was a little sculpture of a lighthouse. Seems pretty simple, I know, but there is way more meaning than what can be found on the surface level.

It was a while ago that I became fascinated with lighthouses. I can't put my finger on what exactly started it, but all I do know is that they are a beautiful symbol of hope. The definition of a lighthouse is 'a tower or other structure containing a beacon of light to warn or guide ships at sea.' Just think about it, the whole purpose of a lighthouse is to be a hope for people that are out in the sea or the unknown. The light that shines could be a 'oh finally, we've reached land' kind of light or it could be 'oh there's the land, but I want to go out on another adventure' kind of light. Whichever you choose it serves a purpose of giving you hope.

While I am not a sailor, or ever really intend to be one (well, maybe it could be a career aspiration if all else fails..) I can still use a lighthouse in my life to give me the hope and guidance I need. There are times in my life where I need to be able to see where the land is while I'm struggling in a troubled sea of doubts and fears. On the other hand, there are also times where I am sailing through life and see the lighthouse on land but say, 'I can last for a little longer' or 'I'm up for the challenge, let's go!' Either way, there is a light shining in front of me that guides me and gives me the hope to continue on my journey.

Now I have never seen a lighthouse in real life, but I hope to fulfill that dream someday soon. I look forward to the day that I can see the symbol of hope standing right in front of me and the opportunity to take in all the beauty that surrounds that moment.

"I won't fear what tomorrow brings.

With each morning I'll rise and sing,

my God's love will lead me through.

You are the peace in my troubled sea"

- Rend Collective